Cold Blooded Christmas Jon Lajoie

[00:03.22] It was late at night on Christmas eve [00:07.64] I was dreaming of the soft white snow [00:11.76] I was awoken by a noise near the Christmas tree [00:15.47] What it was i did not know [00:19.49] It was Santa clause he was bringing me some gifts [00:23.68] Unfortunately i did not know that [00:26.52] So i quietly snuck up behind him [00:31.62] And i shot him five times in the back [00:35.48] It went pow pow pow pow pow [00:39.49] He said "what the xxxx ow ow ow" [00:43.50] Then i shot him three more times in the head [00:47.00] Pieces of his brain flew out and he was dead [00:51.66] That's when i noticed his blood-soaked beard [00:55.53] And his red suit filled with bullet holes [00:59.36] I said "oh my god i killed Santa clause [01:03.32] I'm not going to jail for this asshole" [01:07.65] So i went to my shed and i got my saw [01:11.55] And i started to choppipty chop chop [01:15.68] I started with his arms then his legs then his head [01:19.48] And then the torso was a really long job [01:23.76] And the blood went spurt spurt spurt [01:27.77] It was really hard work work work [01:31.56] It was hard cutting through his spine [01:35.72] I must have vomited sixteen times [01:39.61] I burnt all the pieces in my fireplace [01:43.75] The smell of burning human flesh filled my nose [01:46.74] Eleven hours later there was nothing left [01:51.78] And that's when i heard my telephone [01:55.45] It was auntie jean looking for uncle bob [01:59.49] She said "he left the house dressed as Santa clause [02:03.12] But he didn't come home last night [02:06.88] Have you seen him god i hope he's alright" [02:12.23]